last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
