he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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