it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
