there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
