I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
