pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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