We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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