She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Randomize
