My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
