i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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