never play flip cup with pint glasses
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there was a trapeze. enough said
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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