Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
