You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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