We're like a lot better than the average bears
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
