I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
