Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
