Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
