i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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