At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
