So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize