So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
