Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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