HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I hate all girls vehemently.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
