I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
