i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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