i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
