i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
