You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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