Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
