Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
