also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
