I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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