Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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