my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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