did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
