I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
