you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You can't just leave with hair like that
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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