my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
