Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
