Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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