Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
