I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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