Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
