he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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