It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
