I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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