Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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