I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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