Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish my penis had an off switch
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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