i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up under a house in Key West
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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