he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
