I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
