Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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