just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
