John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
there was a trapeze. enough said
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
