You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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