he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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