dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
