Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm too high and old for this...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
