i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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