If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
