im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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