im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
