I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
