Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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