Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
