I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
