I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
